Huzzah! I’ve hit 75k and counting! …it’s really quite amazing what a few hours at a coffee shop can do for you. Problem is, the story is going to end before I hit 90k. Hrm. Well, that’s what rewrites are for, yes?

In other news, I’m still attempting to make use of the bulletin board from a few weeks back (refer to previous posts about motivation), but it’s not going so well. Apparently to make it work, you have to actually post new things and, oh… complete some of the ones you already have up there. So far, I have about 50 ‘to-do’ things and maybe 3 in the ‘Doing’ category. Now, I know Holly says to limit yourself to 5 things at a time – ie. only make cards about 5 tasks ahead of yourself – but it’s a very busy time and almost everything on the list is urgent… and ironically, few are about writing. Maybe it’s just the time of year, but it isn’t really working for me right now.

I’m not going to give up yet, though! At the very least, my long term goals are posted on the board, and it’s good to see them over and over… well, except for on certain days when all they do is depress me, but that’s another thing for another time.

Ah well.

This site is, in theory, supposed to serve a threefold purpose:

• to chronicle my writing journey
• to serve as a professional point of contact for new clients
• to be a second place to post my book reviews (Librarything is place #1)

So far, I’m getting back into the swing of things on #1, failing miserably in #2, and sort-of getting #3 done. As I move into a more regular writing schedule (cross fingers), the chronicles of my writing journey will hopefully become more regular and, *gasp*, hopefully more useful to others. I wish my site hadn’t been hacked last year… I had some good posts on there, but they’re long gone. Oh well. That version of the blog was getting more personal than anything else, really.

In terms of posting the book reviews, you’ll notice I have a review scheduled for every 4 days. This is fine, except that I didn’t start doing this until last month… and since I’ve actually read 46 books this year so far, and reviews are only up to book #12, there’s quite a way to go. At this rate, I’ll be posting my books from 2009 well into 2010, and always run behind. This is something I’ll have to figure out myself in the near future, and it may involve back-dating a number of book reviews just so I can get them all in this year. So don’t be alarmed if there are suddenly a pile of new reviews you haven’t read, or if they start getting posted closer together. Never fear, I’ve got it under control… I hope.

As for my second point there… well, I’m failing miserably. Ideally, I’d like to use this site as a point of contact for business references and new clients, and I’d like to be able to hand out business cards (or the like) with this site’s address on it. Then, the potential client could come here, view some samples of my work, and contact me to discuss their project. Currently, the state of this site makes it impossible. In fact, all I have right now is a pretty amateur-looking blog. Ugh. Not good. Fortunately, my husband runs a website design company, so at least I have someone to turn to for help… though a personal project obviously falls under the ‘non-urgent’ list of things in their book, so I have to move at their schedule.

So, my point: hopefully over the next few months, you’ll begin to see some changes around here… for the better. I’d like to get the title up at the top of the site, maybe with a funky little book-sandwich graphic next to it. I have a number of widgets I’d like to install (including, but not limited to: a writing contest widget that scrolls through current contests, a Librarything widget that displays random covers in my library, a wordcount widget for my WIPs, etc), and I’d like the boxes on the right to be organized better. I want the navigation to stand out… and… and… and…

Yes, I have big plans. My hope is that they’ll pan out slowly… so again, don’t be alarmed if you show up and things look different. Better website = more productive writer… RIGHT??? Heh…

Anyway, if I’m doing professional work – and am married to a man who runs a website design company, for goodness sake – I really should have a professional-looking website, with this blog as just one of the areas of focus. All in due time…

Anyone remember that show? That was a great show… or at least, it was until it went really dark and weird and Bob turned semi-evil (or at least that’s how it looked to me at 10 years old).

But, that’s not the subject of my post for today. Last night I decided to try and get myself back into the writing swing of things by starting something new… ah, but don’t panic! It’s not what you think. I didn’t start a new novel, and I’m not running off to the “ooh, shiny!” new plot in my head or anything like that (as much as I may be tempted). I just figured that if all these published authors make a point of stressing that you write at least 1000 words a day – and they’re still published, and still making money off their books – they must be on to something.

So I grabbed my notepad and a pen, and began writing. Nothing special, no pre-planning, no anything. And, well… I handwrote 3 pages of something, and it wasn’t a complete waste of time. No, I think I can safely add this one to my files of ideas, and maybe come back to it in the future. I have absolutely no idea where the little story idea was going, but it doesn’t matter. A workable idea for the future is what matters, not to mention the psychological assurance that comes from knowing that your Muse hasn’t actually run off to Tahiti as you’d suspected.

Will it make a difference in motivating me to finish ‘A Work in Progress’? Who knows. Maybe I just need to stop thinking of it as ‘work’ and get back to the fun of it… the ‘pick up a pen and just write!’ fun of it. This, I suspect, is where I stall: when creative writing becomes ‘job-like’ in my mindset.

So, I should just change my mindset. Easier said than done. I’m hoping to head off to the coffee shop sometime today – laptop in hand – to try and do just that.

For whatever reason, I have very little problem getting myself motivated to write during NaNoWriMo. Maybe it’s the excitement of the event. Maybe it’s the absolute deadline, or the community support. Maybe it’s the fact that there’s something new to work on, something fresh with endless possibilities. Sure, there are off days, but the whole month is a thrill in itself. I look forward to it throughout the year.

But what about now, when it isn’t November? It’s April. And last month was March. And next month is May. In fact, there are 11 months of the year that simply aren’t November, which means there are 11 months when I need to be completely self-motivated to sit down and get those words written on paper (or, uh, the computer screen).

Right now, I’m struggling. I have no drive, no sense of direction, and no burning desire to get any of my characters where they need to be. I don’t even think it’s writer’s block, to be honest, because I know what needs to happen in both manuscripts, and yet I don’t feel motivated to take them there.

In short, I feel like I’ve failed before I’ve begun. I wonder if I’ve chosen the wrong path, or if this dream I’ve had of being a writer – which has carried me since I was 8 years old, if I remember correctly – was all a mistake. Maybe I’m not cut out to write. Maybe I wasn’t meant to do this. Maybe I’ve been wrong this whole time.

But it’s all I know how to do.

This afternoon, my husband sat me down in front of his computer screen, and brought up last year’s statistics for The Ancient Standard. Until this week, I hadn’t written anything new for that site since… well, nearly a year ago. Or maybe longer. Anyway, he showed me the traffic stats for 2008.

There were almost 50,000 unique visitors to the site, and about 84,000 repeat visits. That means that 50,000 people read my writing. And an awful lot of them liked it enough to come back for another go.

While I don’t particularly see that as “success”, I suppose it means that I shouldn’t go beating myself over the head with the notion that I’m a complete failure. Somebody likes my writing style. Some people want to read it, and then come back for more. For me, The Ancient Standard is like pseudo-journalism – because really, I’m reporting on events, or discoveries, or historical details that other people have already written about, and simply compiling information from various sources to produce what I hope is a brief but comprehensive article about the topic.

It’s not my original work, so I still can’t be confident that anyone likes my fiction, which is where my heart lies. But at the very least, I can take comfort in the fact that people enjoy my writing style, and that I’m providing what others perceive to be quality information in an entertaining format. And with all honesty, I can say I’m grateful for each and every visitor who reads my work.

Is it measurable success by my own standards? Not particularly. But does it at least quell some of the despair that has crept into my soul as of late? Yes, it does. I can feel a tiny spark of hope again… and isn’t one spark all it takes to light a fire?

Yes, we all know Starbucks gave away free coffee yesterday for Earth Day (if you brought in a travel mug), but do you also know that McDonald’s is giving away free coffees from open until 8:30am, every morning until May3rd?

Seriously. Free. You go in, order a coffee, and then walk out the door with a coffee in hand, no cost to you. And from what I’ve heard, McDonald’s coffee is better than Tim Horton’s! Though, let’s be honest: that’s not hard to do.

I mention this because every writer needs free coffee. Multiple free coffees, in fact. Now all we need is free cake, and life will be complete.

And we’re not talking about mine. No, I’m talking about websites belonging to various writing groups and organizations, who seem to be fine with the fact that even though we’re almost five months into the year, they still haven’t updated their information since early 2008.

Without naming any names, I’m just going to say that several local and national writing groups are guilty of not updating their meeting/executive/conference/event information for 2009. One group in particular still has a list up of the executive members for 2007-2008, along with a list of their dates for meeting… between January and October 2008. Hmm…

Now, I understand that most writing group websites are run by volunteers. I know they’re busy people, and I can see how updating might fall by the wayside for a month or two… but for six months? Eight months? Longer than a year? And not only that… but I visited the aforementioned website last fall, and again just recently, and found that the layout had changed dramatically. That means that someone worked on the website in the interim, but didn’t bother to update the information. Or even check with anyone for updated information.

So, how are local groups like this going to grow their membership in the future, and continue to thrive? Without current information, how are curious new-to-the-area writers, or writers looking for a national-level support group, going to find the information they need to join? Don’t these groups want new members?!?

But let’s be careful not to lump all these groups into one boat, because some groups are great at updating. And guess what? These are the ones whose web pages I’ll continue to visit, whose conferences I will pay to attend, and whose lectures/community events I will tell others about and do my part to support. But if you don’t update your site and tell me about what you’re doing, I can’t help support you. And beyond that, I can’t become a member of your writing group, which I may have otherwise joined.

That’s one membership fee that could have helped to support a writing event, gone because somebody didn’t bother to take 15 minutes to update the website once in awhile.

And that, my friends, is frustrating.

Until November, I’d never killed off a character before. Really. Never.

I’ve never written something before that required me to follow someone along in the story, only to write in their demise in a brief, sudden instant – not because they deserved it, but because it just had to happen that way.

I’d heard that it was hard to do, and I’d read stories about authors sitting at their computers, weeping over the keyboard at the heartbreak of such a task, whether they’d planned it to happen or not.

I didn’t buy it. I scoffed; I thought they were bluffing; I said to myself “they’re exaggerating, that’s ridiculous”; I rolled my eyes every time someone new posted about their heartbreaking character death.

Then it came time for me to kill off a character in my own story… and that’s when the moment of truth hit.

As I began to write in the character’s demise, I realized something: my eyes were beginning to water. My throat became slightly constricted. I needed a kleenex.

I began to cry. For my character, and for how wrong it was for someone like this to meet their end the way the story required. There was no other way, and I felt sorry for him. It was unjust, his death. And yet… that was how it had to be.

So I wondered: How can someone who is both a) not real and, b) theoretically driven by my own hand, have such an impact on me as a writer? Why would anyone cry for the death of a character they created, when it was their own story that directed that death to occur?

From the comments I’ve heard from other writers, it’s that very same development of a character from beginning to end (birth to death, in a sense?) that causes the emotional attachment which elicits such strong feelings in scene-writing. A particularly joyous scene for a writer’s characters will likely give the writer a high for the rest of the day (whether he or she is aware of it or not), while writing a particularly difficult and depressing scene may also influence the writer’s mood that way. In that respect, I think it helps the writer, because it means they’re in tune with their characters and can be authentic in the way they portray their experiences.

However, when it comes to writing a character’s death, things start to get personal, especially if a writer is particularly fond of their creation. It was a bit traumatic for me to write my character’s death, and I hadn’t even really been with them for that long. I can’t even begin to imagine the emotional trauma that comes with killing off a character like, for example, Gollum or Harry Potter. I believe J.K. Rowling has been quoted as saying she bawled her eyes out for days after killing Harry (or Dumbledore, for that matter): simply put, it hurts to hurt someone you love, even if they’re fictional. Because to a writer? Characters are more real than you know… they’re living, breathing entities that a writer shares every day with, all day.

Characters can become some of a writer’s best friends… and that’s why it can tear an author apart to see them suffer and die.

I used to scoff. Now I understand.

It occurs to me that I spend a lot of time reading. I also spend a lot of time writing. And, as it happens, I’ve posted on this blog – on more than one occasion – information about a book that I’ve read, or that has made its way to me. Plus, the name of this blog site is “Literary Coldcuts on Toasty Buns”, unspecified as to who has written these tasty literary gems…

Thus, I would like to make a small transition to a dual focus. I’d like to make this a writing and reading blog, since I’ve been posting on both for awhile now… though maintaining my “official” writing focus. However, as I’ve heard from many a writer: Great writers need to be great readers, too. So, without further ado, I hereby announce that I will be posting my brief reviews on the books I’ve read, approximately as they are finished.

I’ll include books I’ve purchased, borrowed, or received as review copies. Review copies of books will receive first priority, and I’ll always be sure to give an honest review, regardless of where the book came from. I’ll evaluate both on entertainment and literary merit, and I’ll be nailing down the exact specs for “ratings” as I work out the kinks in the review process.

I’ve been reviewing books for quite some time now over at Librarything.com, but I’d like to share my thoughts with those of you who aren’t members over there (though I highly recommend it!).

As always, I’ll continue to post my thoughts on the writing process as I work toward the completion of my novel… and keep on plugging away at writing SEO articles for web contracts.

Questions? Comments? Leave them here. Looking for something to read and want a recommendation? I’d be happy to help with that too!

And publishers: feel free to send those ARCs my way!

Okay, so… I’m back. Indeed, I took an extended holiday from this blog over the course of… the entirety of December… but November was silly with writing, December was crazy with holidays/performances/family obligations, and now the new year has started. And, Lord willing, I will post regularly again.

The Year Ahead – A Quick Overview

My goal for January is to complete or almost complete the first draft of the novel I began in November, with the secondary goal of completing my 2007 novel in February. During this time, I’d also like to outline a third, or at least begin some work on several short stories I have in mind.

While this is happening, I have several additional projects that are actually supposed to bring in *some* cash, somewhere along the way. Ah yes, paying bills – apparently that’s important. This consists of the Conure website, SEO contracts for Dave’s clients, and potentially returning to the Ancient Standard and revitalizing that somehow. There are also several gaming websites on the docket, but how those turn out aren’t really my priority – I’m just ‘ on the list’ to write for them once they get up and running. I also have one ongoing (read: hanging over my head) project sitting around from a relative, which will take a chunk of my time this month.

I will be taking one seminary course this semester, focusing on the Pentateuch. I already have my paper topic chosen, and barring any unforseen difficulties with this, I’m hoping the course doesn’t take too much of my time. Yes, laugh all you want.

Finally, the scriptwriting course. The course I signed up for in October, but haven’t actually worked on. It ends in April. Needless to say, I’m rather behind… I’m hoping to find time to work on it, so that it isn’t just a case where I’ve thrown money away for nothing, but it is time-consuming. I may have to actually block out a hour or two during the week to just “git ‘er done”.

Those are my work goals. Now, everything else…

1) I’ve joined the ’75 Books in 2009′ challenge over on Librarything.com. I made 79 books this past year (and I plan to post the list on here in the near future), so my true goal for 2009 – since I know I can make 75 – is one hundred. But, since things are looking busy, I’m not going to make it the official number, just in case. A cop-out, sure, but this is my challenge, right?

2) I’m still dancing, with 3 classes a week lined up in January plus workshops. In February, that will ease back down to 2 classes a week – thank goodness – but I want to push myself even harder this year. I also want to learn how to make my own costumes, so we’ll have to see how that goes. Should be interesting.

3) Languages… ah yes, languages. I want to learn Irish Gaelic. I want to review Ancient Greek. I’d love to give another go at Arabic… I realize this is insane, but when has that ever stopped me from dreaming?

That’s about all that comes to mind at the current time (about 9am on a Monday morning), so I suppose that means I should bug off and actually get to work… *sigh*. Welcome to 2009.